Marriage – This can be such a loaded word. For some of you the word marriage brings about feelings of heartache, regret, anger or maybe even guilt. The word marriage for other people might just be ok. You really don’t have any strong opinions either way. Maybe you’re thinking yep, I’m married, it just is what it is. If we are honest with ourselves we can admit that marriage is hard work. No one stumbles into a great marriage. A good marriage takes sacrifice, time, dedication, and a choice to fight for it. As with anything in life you have to work for it to succeed.
It took me a long time to understand this. I didn’t really have a ton of successful marriages to emulate so I thought it kind of just happened. If my husband and I would stick it out. If we didn’t talk about divorce, if we just kept choosing to stay together things would just work out but that mentality just lent to disappointment and frustration.
There is a verse that I have heard read at a ton of the weddings that I have been to over the years. I Corinthians13:4-7 – “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”.
This verse that gets read over the future couple is always such a beautiful moment in the ceremony. What if this verse is more than just a part of a program for a wedding, but is the actual blueprint for the marriage. As we read this passage in 1 Corinthians, we get to hear what God has intended for a marriage relationship. In this verse, God is instructing us how to love this person that we have vowed to spend our entire life with. This is beautiful and sentimental during a wedding ceremony but then reality hits. You come back from the honeymoon, you have jobs to go back to, bills that need to be paid, friendships and family relationships to navigate.
The thing you find as you read through what God is commanding about love is that there is a ton of sacrifice involved. There is a work to be done, there are choices that need to be made. I am choosing someone else over myself constantly. I am looking out for the interest of someone else over myself repeatedly. I am more concerned and excited about someone’s else’s feelings than I am for my own. This is hard but the beautiful thing it is possible.
I wanted to share with you a few things that I have discovered over the years that has helped as I have personally navigated almost 27 years of marriage.
1. Own your part
Over the years I have found that the easiest way for me to get angry and frustrated in my marriage is when I forget my part in the problem. Anytime that I get more focused on my spouse’s sin, the things that he has apparently done wrong all the while forgetting that I am part of the problem and I have done things wrong. I have to remind myself that I aggravate him as much as he can aggravate me. I have hurt him the same way that he has hurt me. I have to constantly remind myself that in any problem that we face, I need to navigate and discern my part in the problem. If I do this, it is amazing the amount of grace that I can offer to my spouse even in the middle of a disagreement.
2. Make the Continual Choice
I have to choose my spouse everyday. Choosing our spouse doesn’t just happen the day you say yes to the proposal, or the day you stand at the alter and say I Do. Choosing means everyday I choose to love, support, encourage and fight for the most important earthly relationship that I have. I choose him over anyone else, including sometimes myself.
3. My relationship with Jesus is the most important relationship
Yes, your relationship with your spouse is your most important earthly relationship but the relationship that I must pursue over that is my relationship with Jesus. The more I spend time with Jesus, the more that I learn and grow in my relationship with Him, the more I can show love to my spouse. Jesus is the definition of love. He designed love, He established love, the more we learn from the source of love the more we can show love to others.
Maybe you are in the middle of a mess right now in your marriage. Maybe you just got married and things are still so good and so sweet and your thinking I’ve got this. Maybe you are done. You had a conversation with your spouse just last night about how you want out, you can’t see a path forward. For all these stages seeking help is the wisest decision you will ever make. Things don’t have to be imploding before you seek wise council.
At Journey Church we have an amazing environment that will meet you right where you are at. Marriage 911. Don’t let the name fool you. All of our marriages require the urgency that the name of this class implies. Each one of us whether things are amazing right now, or we feel like we need a little (or a lot) of help, this environment is for you. Come learn the tools to put in place before things go horribly wrong. Engage in this environment to help heal what might feel irrevocably broken. Make the step to choose your spouse and be apart of this care group. Community is a beautiful tool that can be used to draw us closer to God and closer to each other. I challenge you to take some time and really evaluate what kind of marriage you want to have. Could this be an environment for you to put some committed focus into one of the most important relationships you have. Could this be an opportunity for you to fix, improve, or maybe even just gain some tools to continue to thrive in your marriage.
A good marriage is not an unattainable goal. Through Jesus, your marriage can be a thriving, life giving relationship that can bring so much joy an fulfillment. It’s worth the fight my friend!
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