Early in ministry, it was easy for me to feel like I had a lot of answers for parents. After all, I had a college degree in ministry and two master's degrees in theology and leadership. I felt like I could step in and help any parent easily.
Then it happened...
My wife and I began having our own family. The Lord blessed us with four wonderful kids. They had their own attitudes, strengths, challenges, and desires. I was reminded that I wasn’t just disciplining people at church—I was also the primary discipler of my children. I felt very ill-equipped. Not because I didn’t know the right words or concepts to teach them, but because I realized they were seeing me at home as well as at church. If anyone would be able to compare “church me” and “home me,” it was my wife and these four kids.
My mentor once shared with me that he believed discipleship is as much caught as it is taught. By this, he encouraged me that their growth in Jesus wouldn’t just be from formal conversations or church classes. They’d also learn how to follow Jesus by watching how my wife and I pursued Jesus. They’d watch us and either see the Gospel lived out or see the Gospel fade away. We’ve always wanted our kids to see their world (their schools, sports teams, friendships) as the mission field Jesus was calling them into. We needed to live that same mission as well. It hasn’t been easy, and we’ve certainly not done it perfectly. However, this pursuit has allowed us to do ministry as a family in really great ways.
As I look back, I thought of five things that we’ve done that have helped our kids stay focused on Jesus.
1 – Talk about Jesus regularly
Deuteronomy 6 tells us to do so: “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up.” (v.7).
Making Jesus a regular part of the conversation is essential. It doesn’t have to be a formal study, although that is good. Our conversations about Jesus should be part of life for us. Pray for and with them. While you’re at dinner, ask a thought-provoking question about faith. When your child has a bad day, ask them how Jesus can work in this; what is Jesus trying to teach them? As they get older and relationships develop with others, ask them what Christlike qualities they see in others and what Christlike qualities they are exhibiting to others.
Car rides, long walks, times at the park, playing sports, doing house projects—however you spend time with them, engage them in a Jesus-focused conversation.
2 – Show them the same grace Jesus shows you
This can be extremely difficult at times. As a young parent, I always worried about the fine line between loving correction and intentional discipline. I must admit that I probably erred on the harder side of discipline at times, especially when my emotions of fear or frustration got the better of me.
As years have gone on, my wife and I have grown in making sure that expectations are clear, but also showing grace doesn’t absolve them of consequences. It’s a perfect time to show them love, care, grace, and understanding. It doesn’t mean giving them a pass but helping them see that you understand the situation they’re in and how hard life can be. We’ve had several times as our kids have gone from little to teenagers to adults to show this grace. We believe that as each instance has occurred, it’s strengthened our relationship with them.
This can be tough, but we also need to remind ourselves that as Jesus shows us grace for our missteps, we need to show the same to others. None of us is perfect. Each of us falls regularly. It’s crucial for our kids to see that grace lived out in our lives as much as they need to hear us talk about it.
3 – Serve them...and serve with them
I’ve always believed that we will grow deeper in our faith when we serve. We can’t consume and call that growth. To be Christlike, we need to serve others like Jesus did. It’s important for us to serve the needy, the orphans, and the widows (James 1:27). It’s also important to serve the unlikable, the challenging, and the marginalized. Serving others shows the love of Christ, sometimes before people even hear about the love of Jesus. It’s an example of the words of Jesus being lived out.
Sometimes those challenging people live in our house. As parents, we’re called to take care of the kids that the Lord has blessed us with. Take extra moments to serve your kids as an example of Jesus to them. My wife and I have loved doing this. On the first day of school, we do cookies and flowers since we know the first day can be a downer since summer is over. We’ve gotten our daughters coffee or bagels when they’re having a tough time. We’ve taken kids for ice cream to celebrate a great test score—and even when the score isn’t so great and they need cheering up. Fold their laundry for them without telling them. Gas their car up. Clean their room. Little things that let them know you see them and love them.
Doing this sets an example of a servant’s heart. Then as a family, find ways to serve others together. We’ve made pies for neighbors, meals for sick friends, and bought supplies for kids in need. My favorite was on Easter of 2020, while in “lockdown,” we made bags with Easter candy and eggs and an invite to our church online and dropped them at every door on our street. It was so much fun, and as a family, we served together.
4 – Build community as a family
My wife has the gift of hospitality. She loves opening our house to others. We used to have an open house during the holidays for other staff to come, relax, and have fun. We love having people over for dinner, movies, game nights, and small group. Our kids have loved it too!
For us, it’s our way of opening our lives to others. Inviting them into our home, they’ll see who we are and how we live. Our kids love it because it allows them to connect with people on their “own turf.” We have relationships to this day because we did this.
And it doesn’t just have to be at your house. Go out and connect with other families. It allows families to disciple each other as a unit as much as one on one. Our kids are blessed and have grown in their walk with Jesus because of much of the community our family built with others.
5 – Don’t interrupt the story Jesus has for them
I have always told my kids that Jesus has a plan for them and that He will unfold it and guide them in His timing. I truly believe that. I also need to admit that there have been many times that I’ve jumped in, telling myself that I had the right motive, and have cheated my kids out of learning how Jesus will work in different situations.
I’m not advocating parenting with a hands-off approach, but it’s healthy to let them wrestle through some faith situations. It’s part of their growth and sanctification. Support them, ask them good questions, and guide them towards the Word and to other godly influences. But let them work it out on their own for a little while.
We’ve done this, and it has been extraordinarily hard at times, but seeing the fruit months and years later has been wonderful. Not because we pat ourselves on the back and celebrate that we “did the right thing.” We see it as wonderful because we see our kids, each in their own way, connecting and pursuing Jesus authentically.
I am by no means an expert in parenting, or disciplining, or anything. My prayer is that these things that we’ve learned over the years can be a blessing to others. I believe every parent in the church wants to see their kids become the person Jesus created them to be. Our hearts long for that for our kids as well. As we all move forward in this mission, pray for each other. Parenting isn’t easy. Our culture isn’t helping us very much. I do believe that if we can keep our kids focused on Jesus, the church will continue to have an incredible impact on the world around us.